the crack cocaine

I really need to tell you what a great day my eldest son had the other day. It is amazing to have a boy confident enough in his self to be interested in his youngest sibling. He changed TW's wet diaper by himself at his request! He tended to his sister's bruised knees and hurt feelings. He was strong on the rugby field and finally told a reasonably funny fart joke.
He mastered the times tables up to 3 on his own. He read a book a whole level higher than usual without melting down. He had such a great day that when he saw a can of coke that was not consumed with my prior night's pompadom emergency, he asked politely enough to make a prison warden weak in the knees if he might, perhaps, "...have a sip or two of the coca cola?" Of course! I was smart mama and remembered what the research says about positive reinforcement: "Yes" goes a longer way than "No." "Yes, yes." I said, "Yes, here is 1/8th of a can of coke."

If you say the following as fast as you possibly can outloud, you will get the jest of what he said 2 minutes after ingesting his positive reward. "- I like bananas. I'm still hungry. Gorillas eat bananas. Even the peel like this (insert lightening fast demonstration). They even eat the peel. The peel would make me quite ill actually. May I have another banana? Cut it in half. Like this. Long ways. Not short ways. G is shorter than I am. We both have wide feet. Meat feet. But you can't eat our feet. Daddy has blisters still on his feet from running too long in California. I don't want to move to California because of the earth quakes. They cause tsunamis. You can't even enjoy a tsunami if you are a surfer. Mama's cousin D is a surfer. He rolls with the waves. I like the ocean. I have a wet suit and played in the ocean with G when TW was in your tummy and you were vomiting everywhere. When do I learn how to surf? We took a ferry on the ocean to the Isle of Barra -

During his hyperactive, yet pleasant, stream of conscious monologue, I interrupted in fits and starts - "I'm happy to give you another banana. But I hate getting food ready for you only to find you've only eaten a bite. The end of your tummy is always further than expected, but always a surprise. I hate wasting food. I could feed another child on the food you've wasted."

This comment of mine stopped the flow shortly after "Isle of Barra" comments and was followed by his question, "Is that why you had TW?"

I decided that it was time to do the bathe-book-bed routine rather than add a sex talk or the fumbling reasons as to why we decided to have TW in spite of the rising cost of college tuition other than, "Dunno. Just wanted another," to his caffeinated sucrose high. By the way, annual undergraduate education is at 250000$/year in 2020 at last estimate. I know, I know. Gasp. Might I, perhaps, have a coca-cola to drown my worries in?

The evening ended with me checking on him after his supposed bedtime to find him screaming - politely - into his pillow whilst doing a donkey kick with both legs in the air whilst wearing Minnesota Gopher sweats, his blue dressing gown, and a cap with a stuffed tiger glued to the top from Big M's cousin J.

And yet, I am calmed by who he is and who he is becoming.

telephone

I am thankful for Lady Gaga. Mostly because she tries things I don't make time for - like arriving to an awards show in an egg/chariot thing or wearing a dress made out of meat. I mean really, why not? My uncle and cousin raise prize winning beef cattle, why not support a trend that could open a whole new market for them? (http://www.manta.com/cmap/mm2wdhf/borst-family-farms) We wear leather trousers and fur coats, why not meat?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1311683/Lady-Gagas-raw-meat-dress-But-offal-MTV-outfit-real-fake.html

Oh yah, that's why not. Thank you Lady for figuring this out for me. Not machine washable. Definitely too risky to wear when chasing after littles. No meat dresses for me. Sorry Cuz... Our own little fashion risk taker is pictured below in red cowgirl boots, pink leggings, her brother's madras shorts, pink sweater and lizard cap. She kept in character all day and is pictured pretending to be a "tokay gecko" that can climb walls at lightning speed. Why not wear Little M's shorts? Oh yah, that's why not.


Due to the title of this entry, you probably guess incorrectly that I will continue with a story of Lady Gaga's once ubiquitous "Telephone" song and my children. But you guess incorrectly. Rather, the Primary 7 classroom monitors for little M's class love the "Bad Romance" song and sing it when they are on the play yard. Like the children's game, telephone, the lyrics have been passed from monitor, to Little M, to his sister - G. The only lyrics that have passed/morphed are the ones that go, "Gaga oo la la la/ want your bad romance." M sings a rendition that is startling in tune though it is clear the lyrics are disintegrating into some variation of "gaga oo lalala you're a bad roman." These lyrics in G's lovely little mind have morphed into "Gaga oo lalala, you have a bad man." After swimming lessons in the woman's locker room, G sings these morphed lyrics while galloping in her lion costume sans other accoutrements like underwear and socks and pants and shirts and such. The ladies in the locker room strangely trust her as a sage for relationships. Perhaps it is her willingness to go out on a limb? Or the tendency for Glaswegian men to truly be bad men to date? I dunno. Maybe it is just the costume.

thank you

This babe is TW and he is taking maybe his second or third breath in this picture. My husband is cutting the umbilical cord as I murmur to TW that he is right where he needs to be. That I am so happy that he is here. That without doing a thing besides make for a pain filled and hectic morning, he is loved more than he will ever know. That this day is a happy birthday. These are the things I have murmured to all of my kids at their births. We would not have gotten there with TW without:

her. I had a drug resistant lung infection for the last month of TW's gestation. Nana came and cared for us for the last 2 weeks of that infection and the first week of TW's life. Her 24 hour plane flight, constant pain in her repaired knee due to the travel, absence from her work, and Bopa's willingness to let her go before a major surgery of his own were so very necessary. Her actions murmured to all of us that we are loved more than we know, that she and Bopa are so very glad we are in their life. That we are worth the hassle. We are left with nothing to do or say except thank you and hope our actions say the same thing to Nana and Bopa.

Fart Jokes or Why We Adore Steve Knapp

Steve Knapp has been a co-worker of Big M's for the past decade. In that time, he and his family have become good family friends.

Recently, Steve Knapp came thru Glasgow on a work related trip. It was the second week of cold, snow, and ice storms. Also, it was my second week of being housebound whilst pregnant due to the weather and the first day that Big M was back from a two week work trip to Asia. Big M deemed a break for me as urgent, scooped up the kids, and took Steve Knapp and his visiting customer on a two hour hike thru Mugdock woods. I never would've chanced the littles with grown-ups much less a customer, but I learned again that I perhaps underestimate my kids a bit - or maybe we are just in each other's pockets too much with the weather recently. Regardless, reports from the snow indicated that the kids were not whining, having fun, and showing Steve Knapp and his customer a side to Glasgow that they would not have seen in a standard meet-n-greet. To be honest, I was relieved more than proud, but again that might indicate I am more the culprit in what I deem as questionable behavior in my kids.

I assumed responsibility for the littles in the early afternoon so that Steve Knapp and crew could go on a scotch distillery tour. Rather than greeting me with, "I missed you!" or "We had such a good time..." or "I jumped into a snowbank off of Mugdock Castle's kitchen wall..." Little M greeted me with the following statement:

"Steve Knapp said, Pull my finger and then I did and then he farted - in my face..."

This was said as if Steve Knapp is now the ruler of the free world and also untouchabley cool. Though Steve Knapp did run for governor of California, I can assure you Steve Knapp is not a ruler of the free world neither should he be - if only due to his less than circumspect gastrointestinal control. Also, I must admit my bias. Fart jokes have never been my thing. They just aren't funny to me and fighting the "no fart joke" fight has proven to be cause for migraines, ulcers, and heartache in a house with an almost 6 year old boy thumping the oaks. "Uphill battle" does not describe my efforts accurately. "Lost battle" does.

Then, without skipping a beat, Little M added, " and he must not have a good Mama to teach him that farting is also quite rude."

While I am sure that Steve Knapp's mother has done a good job despite losing the same "no fart joke" battle I have clearly also lost, I am even more sure of why we adore Steve Knapp. Because, when told of Little M's take on the whole situation, Steve Knapp was impressed. He thought it a unique skill to enjoy a fart joke and suck up to one's mother in the same breath. This experience is one I have had with Steve Knapp over and over again. He is able to find and enjoy the skills that everyone brings to the table - even amidst glaring faults and whilst the room stinks to high heaven. We miss and adore you Steve Knapp. Fart on...

there is always tomorrow

G wears the cuffs that were cut off of Big M's pants on her head at least once a day. They are crowns, hats, magic bunny ears, veterinary tracking collars for rhinos, the source of super heroine powers, and a great embarrassment for her brother especially when I say, "Come on, let's document this moment."

There is one major difference between these two. Little M, believes that if you could just listen to his entire story -even if it takes days to hear the story- you will come around to his world view. G doesn't really care if you get her world view as she just does what she wants and figures you'll come around. An offshoot of this part of G's personality is that she has developed a myriad of ways of telling you, "No." Please note that it is such a pervasive part of her, that her ninja "no" skills are not a developmental stage but more a part of her basic skill set.

The latest is tomorrow. For example:

Me- "G, please put your Jammies on."
G- "Jammies are for tomorrow."

Me -"G, it's time to go to the store. Let's go to the store. We need to get special chocolate for Little M for his friend's party. You can have some too!"
G- "I like chocolate. I like chocolate right away. The store is for tomorrow."

Me- "G, let's get our coats on to get your brother."
G - "I will go tomorrow."
Me - "It will be too cold without our coats. We need to stay warm and cozy."
G - "I am warm and cozy now. You get you (not a typo) coat on. You go now. I go maybe tomorrow."

I'm not sure if this use of the word tomorrow is a sign of a young procrastinator? a stubborn yet polite child? a forward looking soul? Her brother was too busy talking about how he didn't want to wear the pants cuff on his head. He was just sure if she listened she wouldn't put it on his head. G just put it on him whilst he was yammering on. I said to him, "M, you don't have to put it on. You can use your words. You can tell her no." G piped in, "Or tomorrow."